Living
by Cat2000
Summary: During Devil’s Trap, while he’s possessed by the demon, these are the thoughts I imagine might go through John’s mind


**Living**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything from Supernatural, and I'm not making any money from this fic

**Summary:** During _Devil's Trap_, while he's possessed by the demon, these are the thoughts I imagine might go through John's mind

**Warning(s):** Possible ooc:ness; some swearing; some violence

* * *

I knew that Dean was too smart to fall for the demon's lies.

No matter what anyone says, I _do_ know my boys, and, even though Sam left Dean and I to go to college, I know that they're _both_ good at hunting. And Sam might not like my orders too much, and might resent me in some ways, but Dean _does_ know me better than anyone, almost as well as I know myself.

So I was pretty certain that Dean would notice that something's wrong. He's right – I _would_ have yelled at him for wasting a bullet from the Colt. Given that the demon we had to face, the very one that had taken over my body, was one of the most powerful ones, it was very unlikely that we'd be able to kill it even with two bullets.

We really needed _all_ the bullets…

I can feel everything about him. He isn't hiding it. He probably _wants_ me to see all of it. All of the people he's killed… It's enough to turn even my stomach, despite everything I've seen since and experienced since he murdered Mary.

Mary…

Demons are worse than animals. Animals kill only because they _have_ to. Demons kill for the fun of it, and don't care about who else they hurt. They _enjoy_ it.

And he's killed so many women… So many young mothers. My Mary wasn't the first, and she clearly wasn't the last. What _is_ it about these women? Something to do with the powers that their kids have, that Sam has.

He won't let me see much more, though.

I know that I've never told my boys this, or, if I had, it's only been rarely, but I _am_ incredibly proud of them.

I couldn't have asked for better sons…

In any situation other than with this demon, I may have told Dean just how proud I was of him. In fact, even _with_ this demon, I may have told him, after yelling at him for a good while, of course. But, obviously, I can't.

This demon already robbed me of my wife… Now, before killing me, it's going to rob me of my boys.

I'm not even going to get the chance to say goodbye to them… Never be able to try and repair my relationship with Sam. Never get the chance to hold my boys and tell them I love them.

I thought I still had time…

I was pretty sure that Sam would side with his brother. Those two have a close bond, have done ever since I told Dean to take his brother out of the house the night of the fire. Since then, Dean's taken the duty of protecting his brother very seriously. And Sam's intensely loyal to Dean.

If he had to make the choice, he'd always pick his brother.

I wasn't too surprised to hear about the exorcism. My boys have always been very resourceful. But I know that the decision to perform the exorcism had to have been hard on both of them. After all, I was there when 'Meg' fell out of the window. Even a possessed human wouldn't have survived a fall like that.

Sam and Dean must have known that…

I think it would be better to be dead rather than possessed, though. In doing the exorcism, Sam and Dean probably freed the girl. I can only hope that I'll have the same freedom as well… But I would much prefer for the demon to be killed as well. It doesn't look like this is about to happen, though…

Sam's psychic abilities aren't as far advanced as that kid Max's, which is a bad thing, and not just because he wouldn't be able to move the Colt with his mind. Without proper training, Sam could easily hurt the people around him, and even himself. If we ever get out of this, I'll have to see about getting him some proper training.

Of course, getting out of this at all is likely to be near impossible.

And now Dean, typical Dean. He's taunting the demon, turning his own words against him. Inwardly, I cringe, knowing that he'll just end up getting himself seriously injured now.

But even this takes me by surprise and makes me feel physically sick…

"Dad, don't you let it kill me," Dean chokes out, the tone of his voice pleading, as blood flows out of his mouth.

They say that there's nothing stronger than a parent's love for his or her child, and I think that it's probably true. Because the sight of Dean dying, and the sound of Sam calling his brother's name, was making my rage intense, and as I got angrier, I felt the demon's hold beginning to weaken just a little.

"Dad, please…"

_You're not going to kill my boys,_ I tell the demon, as I fight back with everything I have to protect them.

This is going to stop…


End file.
